Relationships aren't perfect, but with the right person they are worth it. I think too often people create checklists in their head for things that their dream partner should possess. But the problem is that people are expecting perfection; and perfection is unattainable. Relationships are a two way street, they require constant effort from both parties, and they are not perfect! There will be days that feel perfect, and days that feel like work. This list here is for those days where they feel like work! To remind you of why they are worth fighting for! And by implementing this list, you will hopefully have far more perfect feeling days than stressful ones!
M boyfriend and I are no relationship gurus, and we do not claim to have all of the answers. However, we have been lucky enough to have 3 wonderful years together so far, and this list is out top 5 things that we implement each and everyday to keep our relationship working strongly! Let's do this!
Trust
The first and most foundational thing that you need in a relationship is trust. If you lack trust in the relationship, that leaves a lot of cracks. Through those cracks creeps jealousy, dishonesty, spite, and so many more negative emotions. Don't allow that to happen. From the very beginning of the relationship explain what you expect from a partner. What areas you want full transparency with; and what some areas of non negotiation are. For example, in our relationship my boyfriend and I value 100 percent transparency all of the time. That may not be for everyone, as the honest truth can be unpleasant at times, but for us it works because we know that there are no walls to hide behind.
In addition, we always make sure that we build trust by respecting one another. We know what the other needs in order to feel comfortable and we do our best to meet those goals so that trust was built. Once you have that foundation, you will see that the relationship is much easier to maintain. Often times if people feel that they have to constantly explain themselves or their choices to their partners it could be because the trust is not there.
Try sitting down with your partner and discovering what makes them comfortable. How about uncomfortable? What solutions can you come up with together to try to mitigate those uncomfortable moments? It will take time and consistent effort to build. I would say the entire first year of our relationship was dedicated to building that foundation of trust , but after we built it I was so thankful. The rest of our relationship, and the rest of this list were built off of that first building block of trust.
Communication
This one is easier said than done. I feel like this is something many people assume they have. Let me start by saying, just because you possess the ability to speak, does not mean you possess the ability to communicate. In the literal sense sure, maybe...but in the purpose of this blog I am speaking about effective communication with your partner. The ability to not only speak, but to listen. To efficiently get your ideas across and to be able to discuss anything openly and calmly. To have conversations about disagreements, not screaming matches. To be able to walk away from a conversation feel more at peace than when you entered it.
Communication, true communication, is not easy. And it is not always fun. Your partner will not always see things your way, no matter how hard you try to get them to. So it is best to develop a routine or a style for communication with your partner; and that all starts with learning what type of communication works best for each of you. Sometimes it can be tricky, and you don't know what you don't like until you experience it. For example, my boyfriend is very big on tones when speaking. He thinks the tone of your voice is just as important as the words that you are using. So if you are expressing something you are upset about, take a minute and feel it, but then when you communicate express your upsetness just trying to keep a calm tone while you do it, rather than letting that anger be fused into it. He also thinks it is important to remember who you are talking to. Meaning, if you come home to tell a story about someone who made you mad at work that day, and you start infusing your anger into the story while you're telling it, it can feel like that anger is being directed at your partner, even though it was directed at someone else.
For me, word choice is very important. I can be very sensitive and easily hurt, so sometimes I do not take suggestions or constructive criticism well. When my boyfriend wants to tell me something of those natures, he has learned to take a momentary pause and be intentional about the words he uses so I do not get defensive. Many may see these steps as annoying, extra work, or walking on eggshells but I promise you it is not that. While it can feel annoying in the beginning of your relationship, it is soooo worth it in the end. If you learn your partner's communication style, it saves you soooo much small bickering in the long run. It also helps your partner feel seen and heard, which in turn makes them want to make you feel that way.
Having a sense of how to communicate with your partner, and having steps or rules that you create together for how you two would like to communicate gives you a common ground to work with and always come back to! And, just as with trust, it is a solid building block! Don't know what I mean by rules, here are some of ours that we make sure we always follow and when one of us slips we gently remind the other and bring it back to a place of love.
Communication rules:
Never go to sleep angry at one another
Be intentional with our tone and word choice
Be open and honest, never be afraid to share how you're feeling
If you need space to decompress or think things over say it and take it
When discussing difficult or upsetting topics try to maintain peaceful physical contact such as hand holding while do it and hug it out after.
Effort
If you couldn't tell from the first two items on this list, let me spell it out for you with this next one. Relationships take effort. All good things take effort. I think a major problem with relationships is that often people put in all the effort in the beginning. You put in the effort to "get" that person and then once they are got you stop trying. That is a sure fire way to lose the person you are with. No one wants to be taken for granted. How many older couples do you hear talk about their loved ones with annoyance, but when you ask them about how they met or the beginning of their relationship they glow up like a firework at Fourth of July. That's because they remember the effort in the beginning. Now, let's clarify what is effort? Effort looks different for every relationship. It is about doing the things that matter to you and your partner, consistently and not getting lazy. Effort does not have to be buying roses everyday and expensive date night dinners. Although, if those are things you and your partner really value you should make time for them as well.
When I say effort I mean a couple things. One , I mean you make sure you do the stuff that isn't so fun. You pull the extra weight when your partner is down one day. You help with the chores instead of just expecting your partner to do it. You make time for them, even when you have had an insanely busy day. You never take one another for granted. You always make sure you show your appreciate and you always make time for fun. Granted that may not be something you are able to do every day, but surprise flowers or a handwritten note go a long way. Or if it is your partners turn on dishes but you know they had a long day maybe you could surprise them by doing them for them.
Bottom line, learn how your partner likes to be loved, and love them. Appreciate them, show them that you care in all ways that you can as much as you can.
Compromise
This item goes back to the beginning of my list where I was telling you that no one and nothing is perfect. Many people crave a perfect relationship where they don't need to change anything and they get everything exactly how they like it. Not only does that not exist, but it wouldn't be beneficial for you even if it did. The point of your partner is to help you grow and morph into the best version of yourself. It is supposed to be your person, your biggest cheerleader and supporter; and you to them in return, but that does not mean you have to have everything in common. Just as with all other areas of life, it is a balance. A give and a take. Sometimes they will concede and see things your way, and other times you will see things their way. And for those times where you cannot, you will compromise and find a solution that suits you both as best it can.
Now this does not mean you should give up deep rooted values; you get to be the judge of what things are compromisable or not. But one of the pillars of a solid relationship is being able to agree to disagree and being able to give and take on certain aspects of life. You may even find in the process, that you come to understand, appreciate, and even agree with your partners point of view sometimes. Always be open minded and solution oriented and remember, it is always you and your partner vs. the problem, not you vs. your partner.
Laughter
This last one is a little more light hearted but no less important. Life can get serious, and daily tasks can cause wear and tear on you and your partner but one thing that can make it all a little better is a healthy dose of laughter. Find things that bring the two of you joy. Make inside jokes, and try not to take life too serious with one another. Enjoy the little moments and never stop trying to make one another smile. Laughter is the best medicine, and you can create it with one another.
That's it for today! I hope you found value in this list! Again, this is not to say that this is the mandatory list, or that we are some kind of experts and you have to follow our advice. These are just things that we have implemented that have worked for us, and that we have seen work for other couples in our lives. Feel free to make your own list based off what works for you and your partner!
Until next time, Steph
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