Category: Stephie Rant
Summary: A post about the art form known as communication, and its' place in this new digital world. Is it truly lost? Can we save it? What would happen if only we listened?
Typing out a sentence about political opinions
Thumbs run across the screen
Sending letters and acronyms in place of words
Phone calls are denied
Emojis are sent
Three dots constantly appear
As a person takes agonizingly long
Just to respond
Lol
These interactions are meaningless, bland
Just a routine to say we made an effort
We can communicate …
Older generations say it needs to be done in person
So we get together
Silence slices the air
The awkwardness cutting so deep it almost hurts
Eyes glued to the screen in front of us
Instead of the other eyes around us
Tiptoeing around topics that are “safe”
Because even with the closest of company
Topics that are “dangerous” or “taboo”
Can create an eruption
Now there is war
Spit spewing with every syllable
From lips wretched in anger
Wasted energy and breath
For their words fall on deaf ears
They wait with bated breath for a response
But it will be to no avail
For they are listening to rebuke
Not to understand
We have grown so used to surrounding ourselves
With those who only have time to agree
When we hear a different thought, opinion or question
It is as if we have been struck
Computers in our mind,
Pre-programmed
Can…not…compute
So we shut down
Shut them out of our lives
Bash them
How could they think that way?
We are right
We are righteous
Forever
Always
No questions
No dialogue
Nothing
Empty heads
Full mouths
Each with the conviction
That they are doing what is “right”
Oh what has become of us
What will become of us
What will children think
When they read in their history books
Of the lost art of communication
Communication.
Everyone says you need it, and everyone thinks they have it.
What is your advice for a good relationship?
Oh you need great communication.
How do I tell my friend something she doesn’t want to hear?
You need to be able to communicate.
In school, be sure to communicate your expectations or your answer.
In a job, one of the top skills always listed on the skills needed section, strong written and verbal communication skills.
It is one of the most sought after traits yet… in my opinion…it is a rapidly dying artform.
People used to be able to communicate, and that is because people used to possess the skill not only to speak, but to listen.
Think back to a conversation that you had with someone; a deep conversation, not your typical exchanging of casual pleasantries. When you got to that issue that you disagreed on, how did it go? Did that person sit thoughtfully and let you express yourself fully and completely? Did they ask any questions about what you had said, or inquire for further information? Did they make your opinions feel valued and respected before launching into their own feelings or expectations? Unless you are one of the lucky individuals who have been blessed to surround yourself with those still familiar with the art of listening, I am guessing your answer is no.
I am assuming your conversation went something like this:
(Topic, people and conversation are fabricated and are not intended to showcase anyone’s particular opinion. Purpose is just to demonstrate the gaps of communication and areas in which they can be filled).
Speaker 1: Can you believe that they are doing that! Ugh so taboo, everyone is going to be talking about it.
Speaker 2: Who are we talking about? What did they do?
Speaker 1: Lynsey and Mark! They are getting married after only 6 months together! I am willing to bet you she is knocked up and they are just trying to cover it up. I mean they are only 19 , what's the rush?
Speaker 2: Jesus you’re so judgemental. It is 2022, get a grip. People can do what they damn well please, just because you waited until you were old to get married doesn’t mean other people have to.
Speaker 1: I didn't wait until I was old….I waited until I knew I loved the person before I committed to a lifetime of partnership with them, and I damn well made sure I knew I loved them before we created a life together. I am not surprised you take their side though, your generation doesn’t value love the same way mine did. That’s why half of you get divorced.
Speaker 2: HOW DID I KNOW THAT SOMEHOW THIS WOULD TURN INTO A CONVERSATION ABOUT ME. I AM SORRY LUKE AND I DIDNT WORK OUT …YOU KNOW I…
*the conversation continues to spiral out of control*
Nothing productive came of this conversation, because neither side was actively communicating.
Instead of speaking to one another with an intent to teach the other side of their opinion and to listen to opposing views, the point of this conversation was to get the other person to join in their particular judgement, good or bad.
And when that judgement was not met how the person wanted it to be, the judgement then turned onto the person who they were speaking to, and past traumas and hurts that had no relevance to the topic they were discussing began to seep through.
Now there is a fight, and animosity and whether these two know it or not, a wall. An invisible yet powerful wall that says “danger, don’t go here..this is a topic we can no longer discuss". And that wall is held up by the judgements that were created from this conversation. Speaker 1 is seen as an “outdated-rigid thinker and judgemental of her close friends choices”, speaker 2 is seen as “not holding true to values, judgemental to speaker 1’s belief system and too radical”.
Had they had the ability to listen, true communication could have occurred. What if the conversation went something like this….
Speaker 1: Can you believe that they are doing that! Ugh so taboo, everyone is going to be talking about it.
Speaker 2: Who are we talking about? What did they do?
Speaker 1: Lynsey and Mark! They are getting married after only 6 months together! I am willing to bet you she is knocked up and they are just trying to cover it up. I mean they are only 19 , what's the rush?
Speaker 2: Hmmm. I don’t think she is pregnant. I am pretty good friends with her. I think she would have told me that, and they really seem to be in love, the two of them.
Speaker 1: Why would she tell you that? If she is pregnant she would keep it a secret, it's unbecoming to be pregnant before marriage and especially so young.
Speaker 2: I can see why you would think that, because that is how the majority of people thought a while back, and I am sure those are the pressures and judgements that you had to deal with when you were approaching “marriage age” . I can't imagine how difficult that must have been. I am thankful that now, it isn’t as uncommon to have a baby before marriage, or to be married young.
Speaker 1: Well..yea it was a little bit of pressure. I really liked this one guy when I was about Lynseys age actually but…I was too scared to be with him. I was terrified of getting pregnant and what others would think. But 19..it’s so young. I didn’t marry until 26 and I think I was barely mature enough to make that decision then.
Speaker 2: Yea, I can see that, but everyone matures differently and we don’t know the ins and outs of their relationship. Besides, if Lynsey and Mark were lucky enough to find love sooner than the rest of us, why should we begrudge them the chance to share it?
Speaker 1: Yea I guess you’re right. Not everyone’s love story has to be like mine, things change and people are different.
Speaker 2: That’s right! And you are entitled to your opinions, after all that is what worked best for you and that’s great! But one size shoe doesn’t fit all.
Speaker 1: Yea. Hey did you want to stay for dinner? I am making homemade spaghetti.
Speaker 2: Of course! Want any help?
In this second scenario Speaker 2 had the wonderful talent of listening. Instead of instantly attacking because Speaker 1’s opinion did not match their own, they chose to listen; and in doing so discovered potential sources of where Speaker 1’s opinion stems from. If you choose to listen, you choose to try to understand; and when we understand compromises can be made and true conversation can be had.
I think oftentimes there is some confusion around the word understanding. I think people feel that the term understand and agree are synonyms and that is not always the case. You can understand someone’s point of view and still feel differently. Examples of common (touchy) topics in today's culture could be:
(again no one’s particular opinions are being presented here, just examples of how one could think about issues in today’s society).
In terms of abortion: You understand that people feel women have a right to choose what happens in regards to their bodies, but you don’t think it is morally right and could never do it yourself.
In terms of politics: You understand that someone voted for a President because they feel that he or she best represents the areas of importance or value to them, but you don’t agree on what you two think count as most valuable.
In terms of health: You can understand that your friend loves running because it makes them feel good and because they value their health; but the thought of running makes you want to throw up and you choose to value your health by eating healthy instead.
In terms of family: Your sister has 3 kids and a husband and you can understand that that is how she sees the idea of family, but to you, family is you and your 3 cats.
You can listen to another person, see where they are coming from and seek to understand them. Why do you feel that way? Understanding them may bring some clarity to the conversation. Something I always say is, you and I can come to the table with different opinions, we can sit down and discuss our opinions, each sharing why we feel the way we feel; and we can get up and leave the table without either of us having changed our opinions, and that is okay. If every single person in the world agreed on everything 100 percent of the time, what a boring world we would live in!!
We possess intellectual thought and the capability to reason and think for ourselves, it is okay if you use it. The area that we need to work on is not having everyone come to terms and agree all the time; I actually think that would be quite drastic. Instead we need to work on respecting one another’s differences. The same way you may want to learn about a friends recipe that is from a different culture, why not want to learn about their beliefs as equally?
I understand that some issues hold deeper meaning to people than others. For example, and I go here again because I know so many people who fight one way or another for this topic, abortion. Some people may feel ‘I don’t care what your reason is for thinking it is okay. It is a sin and if you support it I don’t want to support you.” Where as the other side may say, “ I don’t care what your belief system is, if you think you have a right to tell someone else what they can or can’t do with their own body I don’t want to ever communicate with you.” What these two opposing positions have in common is that they both want the majority of people to agree with their viewpoint; yet the only people they need to convince are those who they have sworn off. You scream that you want your ideas heard and valued, but devalue another for having different ideas than yourself. What an ironic, endless loop we live in when that happens.
Would it not be better to try to understand, to see why those who have opposing opinions feel the way they do? You may be judging someone before you know the truth behind their thoughts. Now this is not to say that we communicate just for the purpose of seducing others to believe as we do. And this is not to say that communication will always be about such heavy topics. The same could be applied to generic conversations about household chores.
The main point of this rant, is to bring awareness to our current society’s inability to listen. We live in a cancel culture where the second you do not agree with the majority opinion you are written off, never to be heard from again. We live in a culture where partners, friends and families sit in tense silence because they would rather sit awkward in silence then enraged in disagreements. We live in a time that is more divided now than it has been in a long time and unless we try to bridge that gap, I fear it may never be able to close.
Communicate; not just to be heard but also to listen and understand.
Communicate; for if we lose that art, we lose the essence of what makes us human.
- A Stephie Rant Original
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